The Beginner’s Guide to Procrastination

Well Internet, over a long and illustrious career, I have put a lot of work off until the last minute. And I mean a lot. Now, I honed this art through years of study in my AP (Advanced Procrastination) classes, but in the interest of instant gratification I am willing to give you- yes, YOU- the tips you need to start on the long slope down to the mastery of this craft.

1. Wait until the last minute. This one should be obvious. If, for example, you have time to write your essay at any less than the speed of light, you’re doing it wrong. How do you tell when the last minute is? First, calculate how long it will take you to complete the assignment, for example, 3 hours. Now, is it due more than 3 hours from now? Good. You can go back to watching videos of babies laughing.

2. Just don’t think about it. It’s tough to be a successful procrastinator if you are constantly tormented by your responsibilities. But the whole point of procrastination is to do something- anything- more enjoyable than your work. If said activity takes your mind off your worries, then you’re golden.

3. Pull it off.  The successful procrastinator puts their assignments off until the last minute, but still gets them done. (I’ll cover how to do this in my coming guide, How to Write a Shoddy Essay.) If you don’t get your work done, you’re just kind of lazy. Also, you’re going to fail, and you have to be passing all your classes in order to maintain your membership in the Procrastinator’s Club.

Hopefully this guide has been helpful and informative. Good luck in your future endeavors, procrastinators!

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “The Beginner’s Guide to Procrastination

  1. O Procrastination… We go wa-a-ay back. It really is a skill. It’s almost an art, haha.

  2. I don’t like it when people refer to us procrastinators as lazy. We just like to get things done… on time. Lazy is, like you said, not getting your work done. But we do! That’s the magic of procrastination.

    Procrastinators of the world, unite!

  3. Abidail

    ADVANCED PROCRASTINATION!!!!!!!!!!hahahahahaha. Good thing only in preap. I could never handle procrastination like you, Mary.

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