The curtain opens on a Roman forum. MARY, dressed in a fetching lady-toga, enters stage right to cheers from the IGNORANT MASSES.
MARY: I am an English major.
Cries of surprise from the masses. An abacus is hurled at MARY, who dodges it.
MARY: Yes, shocking I know. The blogger is an English major. But friends… Romans… Internet People, I have an announcement to make. I am now double majoring.
More cries from the masses.
GIRL WITH LONG HAIR (speaking from the crowd): In English and Engineering? Have you seen the light?
Another abacus is hurled.
MARY: Cut that out! No, I have not come before you today to announce that am I majoring in Engineering. Have you any idea what kind of disaster that would be?
THE MASSES: No! We’re unwashed peasantry! We’re not even sure what a major is!
MARY: Quiet down, ye masses. I will inform you why I can not be an engineer. I can not be an engineer, because my method of getting things done mainly involves saying “Eh, that’s pretty close…ish.” And that does not work when building skyscrapers.
Nods of agreement from the masses.
MARY: Now, my people, I could brag about how many hours I came into college with, but instead I will just tell you how quickly I would graduate if I had a major and a minor like a normal person. I would spend 2 and a half years at college. Total.
An OBNOXIOUS MAN enters stage left.
MAN: You know you’ve graduated college too early when the law prevents you buying champagne to celebrate.
MARY: Um, yes. Thank you, obnoxious man. Though I would like to point out that, under 21 or not, most recent graduates can’t purchase champagne as it costs money.
MAN: No problem!
OBNOXIOUS MAN exits stage left.
MARY: Yes. So. Ahem. I have decided to double major in Spanish and English. However, my first love will always be English, and I continue to think of myself as primarily an English major for reasons including the simple fact that I feel I have more in common with my fellow English majors than with Spanish majors. Thank you, and good day.
Wild applause from the masses.