I’m a Plant Killer

Internet, I have a confession to make. It is quite possible that I am responsible for much of the world’s deforestation.

No, I am not secretly an unscrupulous logging company; I just kill every plant I come in contact with. (Years ago I was cursed by an old forest hag when I accidently stepped on her prized roses.) You may be surprised to learn this, but up until a few years ago Death Valley was a vast rainforest. Then I went there on vacation.

I’ve made attempts at developing a green thumb over the years, but all in vain. If anything I got a red toe (from kicking the plants’ pots in frustration, of course). Case in point: a few years ago, close on the heels of the death of my poor, helpless peace lily, I decided to get a small barrel cactus. Surely, I thought, I won’t be able to kill a cactus. That’s probably not even possible. I’m pretty sure they’re immortal.

Oh, how wrong I was. The life and death of that unfortunate cactus is illustrated below.

 As you can see, the cactus was originally happy and healthy. However, when I watered it, it died. I guess I just loved it too much; I over-watered it and one day, while I was sitting at my desk trying to do homework and enjoying the presence of something green in my life, my poor cactus simply fell over and died. I’m being quite literal here- the water caused the base of my cactus to rot away, and it fell over.

R.I.P. Cacty. If it makes you feel any better, I live in fear of your doubtlessly angry brethren, who I am convinced will one day take revenge.

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